The Tatler: My Favourite Writers Revealed
Emma, as presented in The Tatler
Yesterday I asked the question, which of Tatler’s writers do I most enjoy reading. Come on guys I am a chap, I like to read the motoring review. But Tatler’s motoring review is one special beast, for it’s not just writing about fast cars. It is like a sexy blog from Emma Parker-Bowles. This woman, if she chose, could make a Lada seem as seductive as an E-Type, except that she wouldn’t be seen dead in either. She’s in love with the Mercedes Mclaren SLR 722, which on her own admission she drove to her limits.
She must be one hell of a person, and is a fine columnist to boot!
Here is a short extract from her prose:
“You get a 5.5-litre supercharged V8 engine honed by AMG; a re tuned chassis developed by McLaren’s Formula 1 headquarters; cool F1 technology; and 655 horses driving the rear wheels. What more could you want? It is aerodynamic-tastic thanks in part to the air splitter on the front. It grips the road like an arm wrestler’s handshake. And bugger me backwards and call me Norman-is it fast. Really, it’s hold-on-to-your-knickers-quick. . . .
. . . DaimlerChrysler launched it in Dubai, which has the most amazing roads in the world – miles and miles of tarmac that cut through the desert lie liquorice. This car, the deserted road and the devil in my heart conspired against me and flicked my internal ‘fuck it’ switch. I gave it death, and somewhere in the sand dunes I joined the 200mph club.
Ladies, it rocked my world. The thrill that comes from the smooth, devastating delivery of speed and the sound of the rumbling yowl of the engine – like a gale force wind rushing through a chimney – did things to my body that are X-rated.
I wish I could say that the only thing smoking at the end of the day was the tyres. But that evening, after such a sensory overload, the humble cigarette was no longer good enough and I decided to smoke a cigar. So now I am going out with a Cuban cigar. God help me and my skin.”
Her writing in The Tatler is by far racier than her column in The Sun, yet the photographs suggest the opposite. The Sun picture shows our Emma wearing what appears to her costume for attending vicars and tarts parties. The Tatler, however, has her dressed as a deb about to come out, and very beautiful she looks too!
I just can’t get worked up about her cousin Tom‘s risottos, or blue trout. His words do nothing to stir my loins, as Emma’s invariably touch my tumescence. Even if brown rice is far more healthy than a Cuban cigar I would willingly forgo its health giving properties if I could share a cigar with Emma. Tom does not inspire me thus. Fortunately there’s usually more relief to be had in Tatler than Emma’s car review. In the May issue for example there was an informative article from Ticky Hedley-Dent explaining that ‘Knickerless is more.’
‘Going commando is no longer just the preserve of pop tarts and prostitutes: smart girls – and boys – are getting into the act too,’ writes Ticky Hedley-Dent, before later quoting novelist Jilly Cooper’s caution:
‘This act must be done by the young and beautiful – no one wants a flash of a bush bigger than George Bernard Shaws,’ she says.
Emma, as portrayed by The Sun
Kindly note: The low resolution images in this article are the copyright of Conde Nast Publications and Newsgroup Newspapers Limited. They are used here as ‘Fair Use’ in the context of the comparison and discussion of different presentation of the same information in media aimed at alternative social groups. Images on the Internet may be subject to copyright.
The quotations from the Tatler are used here as fair use in the context of critical discussion. Nothing written here should be taken to infer that the proprietors, officers, or servants at Conde Nast Publications, or PebblesFromParadise.com are in the habit of ‘going commando.’
